Being assertive: When we were growing up, we may have been told that if we studied hard and achieved success academically, and were prepared to work hard in our jobs, we could become the managing director or CEO of a company. We may have been told that when we found somebody we liked and fell in love with we could live happily ever after.
But, the reality of life can sadly be different. Some people are aggressive and want their own way. Colleagues at work may look to do as little as possible and seek to run others down to achieve favour with management. We may find that, for some reason, a colleague is favoured over us even though we work harder. This may lead to us feeling despondent and passive in our approach to life.
Types Of Approach
Passive: We may find ourselves people pleasing. Also, we may put other people’s needs and wants before our own in an attempt to gain favour, to cover up how anxious or low in mood we really feel, or to encourage people to reduce their own struggles for a quieter life. If we become passive, we can forget our own needs and, to some degree, lose ourselves. For more on managing symptoms of anxiety click here.
Passive Aggressive: In this space we are passive, but make comments that imply or infer that we are not happy. We may find ourselves not being direct and saying how we really feel. We hope the people around us who we are in some way unhappy with will read between the lines and stop the behaviour that is upsetting us.
Aggressive: When we are behaving aggressively it is all about getting what we want at the expense of other people’s needs or wants. We may have found shouting and demonstrating a combative approach worked for us in the past, so we perpetuate this behaviour. Also, we may find that other people appearing afraid and backing down from their position increases our self-esteem and confidence.
Assertive: Imagine two circles where one is labelled ‘My Needs’ and the other is labelled ‘Your Needs’. Where these circles overlap is assertiveness. We try to find a balance between what we want and what the other person wants. This is recognised as the most psychologically balanced approach. So why do so many people struggle with this? Were we shouted at in childhood when we tried to express our views, for example?
Dealing with situations assertively: If you have ever been in a situation where somebody is angry, shouting at the top of their voice, being unkind or behaving aggressive it can be an unpleasant experience. We may notice physical and psychological changes such as shortness of breath, becoming clammy, feeling frozen to the spot and unable to think and speak clearly. So how do we deal with this situation differently and, more importantly, in an assertive way?
Being Assertive
Breathing: It may sound obvious but remember to breath deeply and gently in and out through your nose. When we are confronted with conflict, we may produce adrenalin and go into fight or flight mode, which reduces our capacity to think clearly and breath normally. Do we need to walk away from this situation? If we do, focus on your breathing to calm yourself and walk away. If this is a situation you need to face into continue to breath deeply and gently and focus on your thoughts.
Thought Management: We can be tempted at this point to focus on how we are feeling and what we think is going to happen to us in this situation. Also, we may start to sense how clammy we are becoming or how frightened we feel. We can play out negative outcomes for ourselves. Before this happens remember to breath and turn your thoughts to how the other person is feeling. What is going on for them right now that is causing them to behave in this way. Are they having challenges at home or with their manager, for example? For more on thought management click here.
Using I Statements: It may be that after sounding off at you the person calms down and apologises. At which point our own adrenalin levels may drop and fight or flight may ease. But if the confrontation continues, use I statements to deflect the other person. For example, I don’t feel comfortable carrying on this conversation right now. I will come back to you on this. Or, I don’t appreciate being spoken to in this way. I need you to stop speaking to me in this way.
Rinse and Repeat: Carry on with the deep, calm breathing through your nose. Remember to keep your focus on what the other person is going through. If the other person then persists with their aggressive behaviour continue to repeat your previous I statement, or a variation, until they recognise you are not going to be intimidated.
To Conclude…
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About The Author
Steven Lucas MBACP MNCS (Prof Accred) is a professional counselling psychotherapist working in Northamptonshire. Read Full Bio.
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Disclaimer: I am not a doctor so this guide should not be considered a replacement for seeking medical advice. It is also not a substitute for obtaining therapy as other factors, such as trauma, need to be considered. There are pay per click ads on this site for which I may receive a small commission. This helps to pay for the running of the site. I do not endorse any of the products advertised.