“A relationship can force us to revisit every feeling and memory in the legend of ourselves” Richo (2002:3)
What difficulties are you experiencing in your relationship and how do you address them? This checklist isn’t exhaustive but can form the basis of a broader conversation towards healing.
Communication: What is your communication style with your partner? Are you passive, passive aggressive, aggressive or assertive when you converse with your partner? Try to adopt a more assertive approach which is about you both trying to achieve your wants and needs. Try to listen twice as much as you speak and don’t consider it your goal to win every argument. Yes, conflict can be healthy in relationships but working towards a mutually beneficial outcome is important.
Equity: Is there a healthy balance in your relationship? Also, do you feel your partner puts as much time and effort into the relationship as you? A lack of equity can lead to relationship dissatisfaction. That doesn’t necessarily mean you keep a tally of who does what, but it’s important for relationship sustainability to have equity.
Risk vs Reward: Do you feel the rewards in your relationship outweigh the risks? Risks may include, for example, your partner being reckless with money. Rewards may include the time and effort your partner puts into your relationship and their thoughtfulness.
Love Language: Dr Gary Chapman wrote the five love languages. The five love languages are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. So, what is your love language and, just as importantly, what is your partners?
Introversion vs Extraversion: Introverts can become overwhelmed by too much interaction because they find large amounts of sensory input draining and anxiety producing. They tend to avoid being at social gatherings for too long and need time in their own space to re-charge. Extraverts on the other hand need interaction to get their energy levels up and to re-charge. Which of these are you? Which is your partner.
Secure or insecure attachment: People who attach securely tend to have healthier relationships. They generally had positive experiences growing up with their caregiver. People who attach insecurely have anxiety running through their relationships. They fear their partner will leave them. Sometimes they try to end relationships pre-emptively to avoid rejection, only to miss their partner and want them back. Others avoid relationships all together.
What do you love about each other/what are you grateful for? It’s easier to concentrate on your partner’s faults and encourage them to change rather than address your own shortcomings. Take some time to remember, and discuss, the things you love about each other. Tell your partner how grateful you are for what they bring to the relationship.
Quality time together and quality time apart: Each couple varies in this respect, but how much time do you spend together and how much time do you spend by yourself or with others? Make sure you plan in regular time together, such as date nights, but try not to get under each other’s feet.
External Sources of stress and anxiety: Modern life is demanding on both you and your partner. Are you taking on too much both personally and professionally? Is this leading to stress and poor sleep? How is this affecting you and your partner? Do you need to outsource certain tasks?
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About The Author
Steven Lucas MBACP MNCS (Prof Accred) is a professional counselling psychotherapist working in Northamptonshire. Read Full Bio.
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Disclaimer: I am not a doctor so this guide should not be considered a replacement for seeking medical advice. It is also not a substitute for obtaining therapy as other factors, such as trauma, need to be considered. There are pay per click ads on this site for which I may receive a small commission. This helps to pay for the running of the site. I do not endorse any of the products advertised.