Helping Someone Who Is Grieving

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We often associate grieving with the death of a loved one. But, feelings of loss can extend to the ending of a relationship, the death of a pet or being asked to leave a job, to name but a few.

The following stages can occur during the grieving cycle. Try not to think of this as a linear process as grief often comes in waves and we may go backwards and forwards through the stages before reaching acceptance. At each stage you may have moments of struggling to function with everyday life.

Five Stages Of Grieving. Elizabeth Kubler Ross ™.

Denial: You refuse to believe that your loved one has gone; perhaps even carrying on with your life as though nothing has really changed. Also, you may feel anxious and emotionally numb.

Anger: During this stage you can become angry and upset with other people, or God, blaming them for your loss. Furthermore, you may even blame yourself or the person who has died.

Bargaining: At this stage you may try to ‘do a deal’ with God to bring back your loved one. Furthermore, you can think “If only I had done this… if only they hadn’t done that…”.

Depression: You may be very emotional and feel down, often bursting into tears and being hard on yourself and others.

Acceptance: During this stage you still think about your loved one, but the feelings are less intense. You realise that life your life must go forward.

Supporting Those Who Are Grieving

Assumptions: Try not to assume that you know how the other person feels. Ask them. Encourage them to ask you for space when they need it, or ask for your support when they need it. Grief can come in waves so don’t expect someone who is grieving to be consistent in how they feel day to day.

Platitudes: Avoid empty platitudes. Saying “time heals or wounds”, or “they are in a better place now” may seem like the right thing to say. Indeed, some people will find these sentiments helpful. But, not everybody who is grieving will want to hear these kind of platitudes. They can feel misunderstood, isolated, perhaps even angered by such comments. Try to encourage the person who is grieving to talk about how they feel, when they feel ready to, rather than try to fix them, or worse still, shut them down.

Avoidance: Don’t avoid the person who is grieving because you are fearful of saying or doing the wrong thing. Be patient and don’t encourage them to move rapidly towards acceptance before they are ready to. If you do, they may feel they are no longer understood by you, clam up, and feel nobody understands. They may feel isolated and lonely, potentially delaying their own healing.

After The Funeral: Don’t assume that after the funeral the person will be in a better place. They may have been so busy dealing with the funeral, other pragmatic matters, and supporting others that they haven’t had time to really reflect on their own feelings; other than the initial shock of losing someone. This is when someone can start to fully grieve; to explore how they really feel.

For more information you can visit grief or Cruse.

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Steven Lucas MBACP PNCPS (Accred) is a professional counselling psychotherapist working in Northamptonshire. Read Full Bio.

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Disclaimer:

I am not a doctor so this guide should not be considered a replacement for seeking medical advice. It is also not a substitute for obtaining therapy as other factors, such as trauma, need to be considered.

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